I'm sorry i'm so complicated sometimes .

I don't know what should i feel about myself sometimes, i don't even understand myself sometimes either . I do feel like is a headache for somebody that cares for me . And being myself is really terrible . Because i don't even know how to feel about myself, so how can some people even know how to feel about me . I don't want anybody think that i'm over protective nor clingy . It will hurt the one i love if over doing . I give freedom, space . But i also want to know what's going on in between . But at the same time i don't want and don't like to interrupt the space I'm giving . Don't deny that i'm sensitive sometimes and sometimes i'm not . And sometimes even being so jealous, and sometime i'm not . Can anyone just tell me wtf is going on with me ? I don't always show attitude but when i do, i just feel like i'm vexatious . I always apologies because i do think that everything is me that mess things up . And when people apologies i just feel that i'm the one that cause things to become the way is not suppose to be . I even feel bad when people apologies to me . Always tend to make myself moody and overthink things that i shouldn't have known . Is just like making myself insecure even when things is just fine . I .. i just don't know about myself . Another thing is, i'm not good at words, i know people is upset, i want to say something but i don't know what to say to make it a right sentence and also at the same time i'm afraid that i would say something wrong . So in the end i'll just keep my mouth shut and stand there just like a stone doing nothing . Seriously,, what kind of person am i ?????????????? Afterall, I feel sorry and also at the same time feel thankful for people(boyf) that stays with me and still dealing with me and my mixed emotional no matter what . 😢

See you again 👣

On the 24th September 2016 everyone heard a very sad news . My boyfriend's ahma passed away . 😴 A huge impact hit my boyfriend so much that he broke down, because she meant so much to him; watch him grow, took care of him since he's a healthy little baby to a boy that he's able to walk, run, talk and everything that he's able to do it himself . It make me so sad because I know how much she mean to him and suddenly she left . After so many years of struggles and pain she made through, she's in a better place now, watching after him . For me personally, I know she's proud and happy of how her grandson have become . As I've seen how happy she in lying on the bed whenever we went over visit her and she saw him, and also those time when she's still staying over his house . The smile on her face, never be forgotten . Counted 5days of funeral until 28th september morning, a very last journey with her is gone with everyone . All the tears I've seen especially from my boyfriend, broke me so much . Useless me, can't even say something to him, afraid that i'll say something wrong to make him cry even worst . Today is the 6th days she left . Guess she's in a very peaceful place now as all her son is in peace now still brothes after so many years of quarrels and fight . Just left with all of her daughter, still suck up a face cause of money and it really annoys me . 😤 But most of all, she's kinda happy to see them like this(not including her daughter) but for my boyf now, still hard to accept the fact that she's gone . And I can understand that cause he love her so much from the every first day he saw her until the age he's 22 now . I'm not close to her and never will never get the chance anymore, but part of me still will remember everything that I've see about her . Her smile; laughter; voice, loud scream, everything .

Ahma; Hanhan told me about you everytime even before the first day I saw you . Telling me how good you play at games, telling me how important to are to him . Telling me how great and how much he love you, telling me what have your been doing together when he's still a little boy staying with you . He told me a lot about you to me . I know you love him a lot just like how you like to play mahjong and drink coke . But rest assure, i'll take good care of hanhan now . He's grown up man already know how to think, know what is he doing already . Don't worry about him and rest in peace . 一路好走 👵👼 Maybe I can get to know more about you when my time come at my older age(I'm just kidding)

And for you dearest . I know is hard for you to accept the harsh fact . But what had happen, happened . She doesn't want to see you like this . I know you love her alot, but she love you more . Is good for her now because she's resting in a better place now, watching over you . After all the years of pain and struggles when she's alive, she's relief now . I know it will take you a long time for you to accept the fact and heal your wound, i'll be with you mentally and physically . Like I said, anytime you want to go over and pray her, I 100% won't mind go over with you . But please baby, stay strong . I'm here . 😚

" I'll always be by your side, through thick or thin .♥"

 

Time to blog something about my life these few days . Well, I have to say is kinda good, boyfriend and me has been loving and not quarrel so often like how we used to . My dad and me also kinda not bad I guess . We started talk and a little more as day passed, after that day my boyfriend told him about the plan of marring me next year . 💍👸 Feeling happy because everything goes quite smoothly . But my mom; she doesn't seems happy to know about the news of me and my boyfriend planning to get married next year . Don't know isit don't have a heart prepare to "lose" another daughter or isit other things . Is kinda mixed feeling for me to guess . But well, I believe at the end of the day she still will want see me get my happiness and gives me her blessing, like how everyone gives us .

 

 

My very first overseas (Taiwan) trip in my life and also fly further with you in November with family, i'm looking so forward and excited already . But there's something i'm looking more forward and excited to is, next year . Though is only planning, but i'm ready to take each and every steps with you . I'm ready to become a responsible adult with you . To spend everyday with you, and go through everything, anything with you . Is gonna be a challenge in life, but if there's no challenge then how can it be counted a life without any challenge, isn't ? I hope you're ready too . The other day we went to expo and look at the wedding promotions with your parents and you sign it at the end of the day . I'm so happy, though is expensive and also over the budget . but I just feel that things is getting more and more real, i'm not dreaming about it and is coming soon . Get to wear the wedding dress, taking photoshoot with you and also gonna walk though the wedding hall with you on the wedding dinner night . 💍 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . I can already imagine on the ROM day itself will be so awkward . 😜 But who cares . Is just the starting of the journey, and is a must to go through is . Hehehehehehehehehhehehehee . 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 sounds like i'm still dreaming now . Goodnight !  😚 😚 😚 😚